Brown Girl Guilt- South Asian Marriage

Did you recently get married? Or Getting Married soon? Living with your in-laws?

Feeling anxious, scared, uneasy and guilty?

South asian marriage ceremony

Getting married as a brown girl is a significant life event, as emphasized by everyone we know.

In South Asian culture, marriage is deeply rooted as a sacred and pivotal institution, profoundly impacting the lives of both individuals and their families. Bollywood films play a vital role in echoing and reinforcing these cultural values. Also, in many Indian communities, there is an unwavering social and familial expectation to marry and adhere to established customs and traditions.

It's not uncommon for people to hold the belief that once you're married, the dynamics with your parents change significantly. This perception, along with the associated terminology, can trigger complex emotions, including guilt and isolation. Parents often express their desire for their daughters to find a loving and secure home, inadvertently creating a sense of detachment.

The journey of marriage can be an emotional whirlwind. Remember, you're not alone in experiencing these feelings.

Tip #1 - Breathe, Brown Girl; There's no need to change who you are!

Many of my clients feel as if they need to fulfill some role of a dutiful, subservient, Indian wife. As if they need to wake up every morning and make their husband, even their in-laws, breakfast. They automatically start doing their husband's laundry.

They take certain tasks as an obligation to the role of a “wife.”

Stop mind-reading; if someone wants something done, they will tell you.

Mind reading involves making assumptions about someone's thoughts with limited information. Over-reliance on mind reading can lead to misjudgments about how others perceive us, causing significant disruptions to our emotional well-being.

Tip #2 - Sleepover

Suppose you feel homesick and miss your family. Sleepover!

I always recommend my new brides to sleep over at their parent's house at least once a month to feel closer to home. This is where you can mindlessly do nothing and indulge in your mom's cooking.

Tip #3 - Call/Check in

If you're feeling guilty just remember your family can manage perfectly well even when you're not around. Despite how it may sometimes feel, they're quite capable on their own. Plus, remember that you're just a phone call away.

Stop letting them live in your head rent-free!

Tip #4 - Keep doing the things you love!

Grant yourself the freedom to lead a life that brings you happiness and to pursue your dreams wholeheartedly, separate from the expectations of being a good wife.

In order to be the best you, you NEED to pour into your cup. Remember all the things that make you feel like you. Do them more.

Tip #5 - Set Boundaries

Your husband is not your child. He is capable of doing all the things he used to do when you were not around.

Being stuck in a marriage with a man who exhibits child-like behaviour can be an incredibly frustrating experience. Over time, this pattern can become challenging to break. So, set boundaries right from the beginning!

When you request him to complete a task, and he fails to do so, stepping in and doing it for him only reinforces his behaviour. It can be disheartening to see the trash pile up when he's repeatedly promised to take it out. Still, it's essential to recognize that you're essentially rewarding his negligence when you complete the task on his behalf. It's crucial to refrain from doing his responsibilities for him.

Don't let a label define you.

Don't lose sight of your individuality just because you're a wife, a mother, or a daughter with responsibilities to fulfill. Getting married doesn't require you to alter who you are.

You don't have to abandon the qualities that make you uniquely yourself.